“I’m a little OCD myself”.
The words every true OCD sufferer hates to hear.
Now, you might actually suffer from OCD - but from experience, someone that is truly struggling with OCD won’t utter these words. Liking things in alphabetical order, or feeling bothered by a crooked mirror doesn’t mean you have OCD.
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is a debilitating mental health condition that involves uncontrollable thoughts (obsessions) and behaviours (compulsions) that severely impact on the sufferers life. For me, this was around doors and windows. I didn’t have any particular thoughts, at least not any of the typical “If I don’t this then this will happen” but for me I just could not settle unless my checks of the doors “felt right”.
This resulted in me spending a lot of my life checking. I would sometimes be unable to go to bed because of it. I broke down.
But it wasn’t always like this. There was a time where I didn’t have it. Over time, check by check, the condition got worse. You just don’t really notice it until it’s severe.
Honestly if I had to have a guess I’d say I suffered with OCD for at least the last 16 years. That’s more than half my life. But to begin with it was just a couple extra checks when I left the house.
I moved out of the family home, and over time, day by day, the checks got worse. They expanded to not only the home but to the car, the office. I would refuse to stay at someones house while they were on holiday because I didn’t want to be responsible for it.
The final straw came when it got so bad that I broke down because I couldn’t go up to bed. I just sat at the bottom of the stairs for 2 hours. The anxiety took over and I couldn’t think.
Do you think those people who are “a little OCD” have ever dealt with that?
It doesn’t have to always be like this. I’m sat here today, writing this, and I am all but cured. Exactly 4 months ago I had my first group therapy session. We spent a lot of time in those sessions sharing experiences, learning how OCD becomes what it becomes. Simply put, it’s fight or flight. Your body reacts to these perceived threats and tries to manage it - but that only feeds the anxiety and makes the next time worse, and the time after that, and that.
Hearing other people’s experiences, and what they go through on a day to day really helps put into perspective your own problems and how you can handle them.
Unfortunately, the hardest part of dealing with OCD is to stop the compulsions. You can have the thoughts, the feelings, those you can’t do anything about - you just have to not act. They recommend slowly reducing your compulsions so you are not overwhelming yourself…
You guessed it, I went full in. Every check, I cut down to one time. I was allowed to do it once. I had two weeks from hell, but by the next session I was already feeling massively improved. My OCI score (the measurement of severity of OCD symptoms) dropped from 60 to ~30.
A few months later, I’m sat here and I’m fully in recovery. I have the odd flare up, sure, but I have been dealing with this for more than half my life.
If you’re struggling with OCD yourself, it’s okay. I hid mine from everyone for years. Try to seek professional help, it can be cured.
OCD sucks.
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